Bittersweet Memories

Tuesday, February 26th was a bittersweet day for me. It was Katrina's birthday. As many moms as I know reminisce about the day their child/children was/were born. Well, I am no exception.

Katrina was supposed to be a planned C-section. She was frank breech and the doctor planned to "take her" on March 10. My due date was March 14. On February 26, 2006 we went to church in the morning and came home for lunch. We went to my parents so my dad could cut Panchito's hair. I took strawberry shortcake for a treat. We came home and Panchito was working on the computer while I was working on the laptop and watching the finale of Dancing with the Stars. It was about 7:30 PM.

All of a sudden I felt a "BLOOP." Literally it felt like that word sounds, if you can imagine feeling how a word sounds... I jumped up and ran into the bathroom. My pants were soaking wet. I sat down on the toilet and water was just running out of me. I was OVERJOYED! I had been praying since we found out we were having a C-section that my water would break so that I could experience some of "real" labor. I called Panchito and he began frantically getting our things into the car. We started calling family and friends and doctors to inform them that we were having the baby.

It was such an emotional time. We were THRILLED and SCARED and HYPER and WILD and ANXIOUS. We went to the hospital and were admitted. Our OB wanted to deliver the baby so we had called him and he was on his way. I changed into the gown and we decided in the bathroom that if we had a girl we would name her Katrina Suzanne. We had waffled on the middle name so we thought we better make a decision. If it was a boy we were going to name him Samuel David (pronounced with a Spanish accent).

Because Katrina was still in a frank breech position they prepped me for a C-section. Panchito came into the operating room and was allowed to watch as the doctor "took" our baby out. It was a girl. I cried and cried and cried. It was the BEST moment ever. Both Panchito and I could not believe it. We had a biological child. We were overjoyed with God's faithfulness.

We stayed in the hospital until Thursday when we were released. We came home and began our lives with Katrina Suzanne Durán. The rest is history...

The story is a great one, isn't it? Reliving the emotions is incredible. I even got choked up as I wrote those words in the post. But, the reason it was/is bittersweet is because I wonder, "Will the Lord allow us to experience that again? Will we have a biological child again?" I know His plan is PERFECT and if we don't experience it, it will be for our good and for His glory and yet my heart is trying to surrender, AGAIN.

Not one day goes by when I don't hear Panchito or myself say, "Boy, do I love her? Can you believe we have her?" We are in love with Katrina and are SO thankful for her. "Children are a gift from the Lord" and we are ever-appreciative of the gift He has given to us.

Birthday Fun at the Wisconsin Pizza Factory

Panchito and I decided that for Katrina's second birthday we would serve her all her favorite foods (besides what she had for her party: pasta and ice cream). So, for breakfast we had blueberry muffins, for lunch we had roni cheese (macaroni and cheese) and for dinner we tried out a new pizza place in town, the Wisconsin Pizza Factory. It is supposed to be like Chuck E. Cheese. Well, it is not! Just kidding. It is fine, but the games were too hard for her. She had a wonderful time anyway and ended up with 93 tickets (her Papa might have helped her win all those tickets!). She was able to redeems them for one large bouncy ball, one small bouncy ball and three jelly bracelets. Here are some highlights from the evening. We had a terrific time with her and are excited to see what this year will hold!

Katrina's 2nd Birthday

Katrina will be 2 years old on February 26th. We had a party for her on Friday. Here are some of the highlights. We are overwhelmed these days with gratitude for this gift from God. Please join us as we praise Him for "seeing fit" to bless us with Katrina two years ago!

Where We Are At

On January 13th we found out we were expecting a baby. As soon as I took the pregnancy test and saw the two lines on the stick, I was terrified. I said to Panchito, "We should have NEVER taken this test!" For those of you who don't know our story, we lost a baby in May and one in September. So, you could say we are a bit "gun-shy.

We were excited, of course, but VERY apprehensive about our excitement. I could not and would not let myself think about if the baby was a boy or a girl or names or anything. For this reason we avoided telling many people because of course those are logical questions to ask in response to the news that someone is expecting a baby.

About a week and a half after the positive pregnancy test I started spotting. I was horrified and called the doctor after a few hours of crying. The doctor ordered an immediate ultrasound and things looked fine. It was so early that a gestational sack and a yolk sack were detected high in the uterus (good sign) but a heartbeat was not detected. I talked with the doctor and she said that those were the best things we could have hoped for. It was too early to find a fetal pole (heartbeat). She ordered me to bed rest for a week and a half until we could do another ultrasound to find the heartbeat.

On a side note: Panchito had his citizenship interview on the Monday following the bed rest order. We have been waiting for this interview for 3 years so it was a HUGE disappointment to not be able to attend. Thankfully my brother, Nick, volunteered to go along to Minneapolis with Panchito and things went fine.

So, once I heard the word bed rest, I immediately began thinking... What will we do with Katrina? How will Panchito and Katrina eat? Who will help? The Lord provided people to help with Katrina. He provided meals and people to come and do laundry, etc. It was a tough time for me, because for those of you who know me, you know I feel best when I am VERY productive. Multi-tasker is one of my synonyms! I was lying in bed reading the Bible and Christian books, spending the entire day praying that the Lord would save our baby.

As the days went on, I found myself praying that God would do as He saw fit (like Eli said to Samuel when Samuel reported to Eli the words of the Lord regarding Eli's sons) and that we would trust His PERFECT plan. Even though I still wanted the baby more than anything, the Lord was changing my heart; He was aligning my will with His.

We had an ultrasound on Tuesday, February 5th and we saw the baby. We saw the heartbeat and it was wonderful. We were thrilled, but still skeptical (we saw the heartbeat with the first baby too and still lost it). The nurse recommended that I stay on a modified bed rest until I had an appointment with the doctor.

Wednesday, February 6 I started spotting again. After another few hours of crying, the bleeding ceased. Then again on Thursday it started up. More crying and then a phone call to the clinic found us at the radiology department once again. As I laid on the table waiting for the technician to put the gel on my tummy I said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." (Job) I was CERTAIN the baby was not going to have a heartbeat... "I see a flicker, " said the technician. Again, we were thrilled but skeptical (I like to think of it as protective of our hearts). The baby was alive and well. The heartbeat was at the perfect level. The baby had grown 2 days worth (remember, our previous ultrasound was Tuesday, this was Thursday). Everything looked great. The doctor called me later that evening and said, "I have no idea why you are bleeding and cramping, Kristina. Everything looks perfect."

I must admit it was VERY draining going from the mountains to the valleys time after time, day after day, hour after hour. I was SO thankful there were mountains, but the valleys were so painful and agonizing.

On Friday late afternoon I started bleeding and cramping. The bleeding progressed and the cramping progressed. I knew in my heart it was over. Because we have experienced this twice before we knew the "tell-tale" signs and were devastated but it was also a special time for Panchito and me. Just that morning (when everything had looked great) he said, "Whatever happens will be for our good and for God's glory, Kristina, even if He takes the baby." Both of us were at the place to accept that truth.

I am not saying we were fine or are fine for that matter. We have just lost the third child we thought the Lord was going to give us as an addition to our family here on earth. We are, however, at a place where we trust His perfect plan. It doesn't feel perfect or good at all, but knowing what we know about God, we trust that it is perfect and for our good.

Monday morning I went to the clinic for a blood test to check the hormone levels. The nurse called a few hours later to confirm that it was indeed a miscarriage. It has been a tough week, that is for sure, but we are managing. We are saying aloud, "God is good ALL the time and He has a plan, a plan to prosper us and not to harm us, a plan to give us a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

I have had a lot of time to think and pray in the darkness as I am finding it hard to sleep these days... I think I hit a breakthrough not many nights ago when I felt the Lord impress upon my heart to surrender. (As a disclaimer, I am in no way saying that I believe the Lord took our babies because I have not surrendered. Instead, I am looking at what He wants me to learn through this, not WHY necessarily it happened) He is looking for me to have a more surrendered heart towards Him. I need to surrender my hopes and dreams of having a huge family, not because they are inappropriate, but rather because they are MINE. For those of you who know me, I have wanted to have babies since I was a baby. I am one of those people that truly means it when she says, "I would LOVE to have 10 kids." These are not ungodly desires, I know that. But I also believe that the Lord is simply asking me to give it up to Him.

I have had other experiences JUST like this in my life, quite recently in fact. As a child I always envisioned my life like this: graduate from college, get married immediately, have a family (a LARGE family), homeschool my kids and eventually die a VERY content woman. When I graduated from college I did not have a boyfriend. I wanted to be married so badly that I convinced myself I should go to Moody Bible Institute to pursue a missions degree. In reality, I wanted to pursue a MRS. degree, but I told myself and others that I wanted to study missions. The Lord called me to Venezuela and I finally conceded and told Him I would go for one year and then I would go to Moody.

Well, I arrived in Venezuela in August of 2000 and met a guy named Panchito on August 11. I married Panchito on August 11, 2001. I had surrendered my desire to be married on my timeline to the Lord and He took me to Venezuela and there was my husband (best man I ever met).

Both Panchito and I have had a love for children and large families since we were young. He was very open to the idea of many kids and so we decided after a year of marriage to try to have a baby. After almost three years of trying we decided to pursue adoption, to surrender our timeline and our way of starting a family. We completed all the paperwork and were simply waiting to be chosen by a birth family when we found out we were expecting a biological child. Three years after we wanted to start a family the Lord blessed us with Katrina, the BEST gift ever. She came at the perfect time and in the perfect way.

That brings me to now... Even though I am not excited about the request I feel the Lord is making of me (another surrender, the surrender of my timeline and my plan), I know that in the past He has fulfilled the desires of my heart when I delight myself in Him (Psalm 37:4). I can't do it because I want my desires fulfilled. I can't simply say, "Whatever you have for us, Lord, we accept it." I have to mean it. For me that is total surrender. That is a place that I have to come to in time where I "give it up." It sounds harsh, but it is not. When I have done it in the past it has been the BEST decision. Not only have my desires been fulfilled but I have learned something about the Lord that I could not and would not have learned any other way.

So, that is where we are at right now. Most of you had no idea we were even pregnant. I am sorry for that. Like I shared, I could not bring myself to tell people because I could only focus on getting through today. We appreciate all who helped us and prayed for us and are continuing to pray for us during this time.

Baking 101

Early this week Katrina received her first class in Baking 101. We made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for Panchito to take to work. All of his colleagues were very impressed with her skills.

While I was on bed rest...

While I was on bed rest due to some complications during a pregnancy that has since ended, Panchito had his hands full with work, classes at the university (started two days after the doctor ordered the bed rest), caring for Katrina and the housework. We had lots of help from family and friends, but he carried most of the burden. Thankfully, Katrina loves her papa SO much and wanted to help as he vacuumed and swept.

I asked her to get the vacuum cleaner for Panchito. She went to the closet and dragged it out and then begged him to go downstairs and get her vacuum so they could work together. I can't wait until she use the big one and do it on her own!

Then, one day it snowed and of course I could not shovel. My brothers were over caring for Katrina. They went out to snowblow and shovel and she got to go along. She wanted to help and the closest thing she has to a mini snowblower is her lawn mower, so she helped clear the snow with it!

After all her work, she was tired out and laid down with Uncle Nick to watch a hunting video. The video was not her first choice, but she was simply thankful to watch TV so she did not put up a fuss when he slipped in an elk hunting video!

Katrina's First Fairmont Fair

Panchito and I thought it would be fun to sign up to manage a booth at our church's annual AWANA Fairmont Fair this year. We thought that as a family it would be a fun way to serve. So, we picked a booth that would be conducive to having Katrina help and we were assinged the Go Fish booth. It would have been perfect but I was on bed rest due to some complications in a pregnancy that has since ended (thus the reason for such a gap between posts and now there will be quite a few!) so Panchito went and manned the station on his own.

My mom took Katrina to church and she had a WONDERFUL time playing the games and picking out stuffed animals, books and dolls to add to her already too-full collection. Hopefully next year we can serve as a family.

Te amamos mas que nunca.

Katrina and I made a special breakfast for the love of our life yesterday. He was VERY touched by the extra touches of love (the only thing missing was a bit of salt!). Te amamos, Panchito y Papa, mas que nunca. (We love you, Panchito and Papa, more than ever.)