Today I had an appointment with the ob. I have continued to
have appointments with both the ob and the specialist throughout the pregnancy,
but today it was with the ob.
Last time I went he asked to start seeing me every two weeks.
I was shocked I was already at that point of the pregnancy, but I agreed (can
you disagree?). We also solidified the C-section date at the last appointment
(January 26th 7:30 AM).
I came home and decided to get into the tubs of baby clothes
to begin sorting out the things that would be appropriate for this little boy. I
took out all of the gowns (I ABSOLUTELY adore gowns in the first month or so)
since they were almost all white or yellow (I know white is a crazy color, but
you can always oxy-clean them!) and onesies and even a couple pair of pajamas. I
sorted them out because although when I put them all away they were perfectly
cleaned it appeared as if stains came to the surface over time. I oxy-cleaned
those with stains and washed them and they came right out. I sorted through the
bottles, etc. and had everything in one tub.
Then, I got a phone call from my dear friend Christina asking
me if December 9th was a good day for the baby buddies shower they were planning
for me. I said yes and hung up the phone. I then had a mini panic attack.
Suddenly I became EXTREMELY frightened about this next phase
of the pregnancy: the delivery and arrival of the baby. I started to say to
myself, "What if something happens and I have the clothes all washed and ready
and then the baby doesn't come home with us?" I was terrified.
Now, I must tell you, there is no medical reason right now for
me to feel this way. I have heard nothing but good, positive news from both the
ob and the specialist about the baby's health. I guess I simply fell back into
that old pattern of thinking. I was finally feeling settled into this part of
the pregnancy and now they are talking about the C-section date and a shower
and...
I was working at my own pace preparing the clothes, etc. for
the baby and now I felt out of control with these other things happening.
I began to trust them all to the Lord. "Lord, You have a
perfect plan in all of this. You know what is going to happen and when the baby
is going to be born and how the delivery will go and You love us perfectly and
we have no reason to fear because we can rest in that love."
So, last night I got back to washing the unstained items and
today I had my ob appointment.
I went in and they took my blood pressure like always and then
the nurse said, we are going to hook you up to the NST. I asked what it was and
she said, "Haven't you had this before?" I said no and she proceeded to lead me
onto the table and hooked me up to two monitors, one for the baby's heart and
one for mine (I think!). She found the baby's heartbeat and then gave me a
little clicker and asked me to please click it every time I felt the baby move.
She left and said she would be back in a few minutes.
As I laid there (with Katrina next to me, helping the baby
move as she pressed on my belly) I began to feel panicky again. I began to pray
immediately and asked the Lord to calm my anxious heart and to cover me with His
love.
About five minutes later the doctor came in and explained that
it was about 3 weeks too early to begin running "non-stress tests" on the baby,
that we will start this weekly at 32 weeks.
"Non-stress test?" I screamed, in my head. I didn't know I had
to have these. The doctor recognized my concern and said that ANYONE with a
"high-risk" pregnancy has these done to monitor the baby's heartbeat, etc. to be
sure he is getting enough blood through the placenta, etc.
It threw me into another near panic attack. He explained
everything to me and said there is no need for concern. I will have the NST
once/week beginning at 32 weeks because of the clotting disorder they discovered
I have before this pregnancy began. It is a better way of ensuring that things
continue to progress smoothly until the birth.
I am home now and more calm. I am still trying to process this
whole thing. I have heard of women having non-stress tests and I am following
several blogs where the ladies had them often and yet I never imagined myself in
their shoes. I also never knew how stressful non-stress tests can be.
We have 10 weeks left of this pregnancy and I really want to
enjoy these weeks. I don't want to spend those weeks preoccupied with how things
are going to go at the end, how the delivery will turn out, if the baby will be
ok, etc. Please pray that I will keep trusting the Lord with His perfect plan
for our lives and this baby's life. Also pray that I will take advantage of the
peace that only the Lord has to offer.
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