Read CAREFULLY

I used to say I was a scrapbooker. I have not scrapboked in a LONG time. Today I was making some thank-you cards and I got the itch. The itch to scrapbook. So I started to go through my supplies and find where I left off and I ran across this picture.

One year ago on Monday we found out we were expecting our second baby. We were thrilled to say the least. I searched online to find a big sister t-shirt for Katrina. She was 14 months old. We decided to make our own shirt. We had some iron-on transfers so we made our own shirt and took a picture of Katrina in the shirt. This is how we told our families we were expecting another child. We hid the picture under each family member's plate at a family dinner at our home. Before the meal was served I told my mom I put a picture of Katrina under her plate (for Christmas we gave my parents a calendar and each month we gave them an up-to-date picture of Katrina, this was the picture for the month of May). I told my brothers that I had a copy made for them too. They all picked up their plates and found this picture. My mom said, "Is this for real?" She jumped up and hugged me and Pancho and Katrina. Dad and the boys figured it out eventually and did the same. It was an awesome moment in the history of our lives. The memory of that time is something I recall frequently.

I stopped scrapbooking around the time we lost the first baby (May 23). I couldn't bring myself to get motivated to do it. If you scrapbook, I think you can understand my sentiments. Today when I got the "itch" to put a few pages together I ran across this picture. I had debated for a long time if I was going to do anything with this picture. I consulted a good scrapbook friend and she encouraged me to keep it and scrap it some day. She said, "It is a part of your family's history, Kristina. You will want to have it in your scrapbook."

She was right. It is a part of our family's history and I do want to have it recorded.

I thought that after such a long time, and after how I have been feeling lately (so content), that seeing this picture again would not drudge up all that emotion. I was wrong.

I am still doing fine. I am just purposing to be thankful for this baby and the other two that the Lord blessed us with for 8 short weeks in utero each time. These were great times in our family's history and although they ended too soon, we continue to trust that God did and will do as He sees fit in our lives for His glory and for our good.

So, in closing, I titled this post "Read CAREFULLY" because I want to be sure that no one thinks we are expecting again. We are not. I was simply rummaging through some old photos, ran across a great memory and wanted to share it with you.

Who I Am (in a few short phrases)

My friend Sarah did this and I thought I would take her hint and do the same. It is kind of fun... Enjoy.

I am….....a child of God, a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother and a friend.

I want..... to take a nap.

I wish..... the weather was a bit warmer.

I dislike....... that it is still cold enough to wear a coat on May 1.

I miss...... my college roommates.

I fear....... that my plan and the Lord’s plan for my life will not be the same.

I feel........ content not having plans for a party or any other event in the near future to plan or host.

I hear......... it is supposed to rain this weekend… YUCK!

I smell....... fun Bath and Body Works foam soap that I just bought yesterday that I really am enjoying.

I crave........ salty things.

I search...... for Katrina’s chupones (nuks) too often during the day and night.

I wonder..... why she still needs the chupon.

I regret........ putting the winter coats away as early as I did this year.

I love........... Pancho, Katrina, my parents, my brothers and in-laws, my dear friends.

I ache......... I must have pulled a muscle in my back.

I care........ if my house is clean when I have unexpected company.

I always...... clean up the house before I leave (even for a short errand run) because I really don’t like coming home to a mess.

I am not…... hungry. I just ate.

I believe......... that Jesus is the WAY, the TRUTH and the LIFE.

I dance......... infrequently. Sometimes Katrina sees me and laughs!

I sing............ to Katrina when she is very upset.

I cry........... often.

I don’t always........ want to get dressed in the morning.

I fight........to keep the van clean.

I write....... many, many emails a day and not enough snail mails.

I never.......go to bed with dishes in the sink or on the counter.

I listen......... to country music even though Pancho does not care for it.

I need.......... Pancho to give me hugs and kisses each day.

I am happy...... when Katrina has had a good night’s rest (and therefore so have I!)

Note to self... Bring outside clothes to Grandpa and Nana's house

Yesterday we went to my parents for lunch after church. It has become sort of a tradition for us to take a walk on Sundays with my parents to the park near their house if the weather is nice. Katrina says, "Walk walk with Grandpa." She gets her absolute love for the outdoors from my dad and they enjoy being outside together.

Well, none of us were really dressed to go for a walk yesterday. Even though it is the end of April it was about 45 degrees and windy. But cold weather doesn't stop die-hard outdoorsmen like my dad and Katrina so while I found some shoes to borrow from my mom (since I did not want to walk to the park with chunky heels) my dad and mom dressed Katrina in the next-best-thing to rain boots...

Grandpa's wool socks and bread bags with rubber bands.

Katrina is already VERY particular about what she wears. In fact, she is so particular that on Saturday nights I have to set out what she is going to wear to church on Sunday to "prepare" her for it. I have to really talk up certain outfits so she feels they are "good enough." I thought she would scream and throw a fit when they put on the wool socks and bread bags but she LOVED them. She thought they were the greatest boots ever. You see, she wasn't wearing any shoes and that is something she really enjoys. Obviously from the expression on her face in the swing at the park, she could have cared less that we looked like some red-necks from who knows where.

Thankfully I had the camera so they couldn't take a picture of me in my black skirt, black tights and slip-on tennis shoes I had to borrow from my mom!

It's Park Season

Katrina LOVES going to the park. We have a great park in our neighborhood and we made our first trip of the season on Sunday. Katrina wanted us to carry her on the sand because she doesn't like the sensation of sand inside her crocs. It was a fun time and I bet we will be making daily trips to the park once she gets over a cold.

Pancho's Party

The party on Friday was a HUGE success. He was surprised and we all had a wonderful time. Take a look at some of the pictures. A dear friend, Christy, took pictures and took so many good ones that I had a really hard time narrowing it down for the blog. I think you will enjoy the show.

SURPRISE!

Tonight is the surprise citizenship party for Pancho. I can hardly contain myself. I have been planning this party for months and working on the decorations and program for weeks. It is finally here and I don't think he has a clue. I will post more pictures tomorrow, but I wanted you to get a glimpse of the invitation!

Short-Order Cook for Hire

Katrina truly enjoys being in the kitchen. She likes to help with whatever I am making.

Last evening she wanted to help make tea for dinner.

Today she wanted pancakes for lunch (in this area she takes after her papa... I don't like breakfast foods for any meal besides breakfast).

Look how big her first pancake turned out!

Apparently it tasted so good she took it off the plate to have better access!

Broken

I really truly believe that this past year has left me broken.

It sounds like a terrible place to be and yet I feel better than I have in such a long time.

Let me share some of my recent thoughts...

As you probably know, we lost three babies in the early stages of pregnancy, one in May, one in September and one is February. Although we are convinced the Lord did as He saw fit, it has been a painful year for us. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. " Job 1:21-22 We have been challenged to make this our "mantra."

I think we have succeeded. Here is why...

• With the first two miscarriages I said immediately upon knowing we lost the baby, "I hope I am pregnant by (due date)" or "I hope so-and-so doesn't have another baby before me" and thoughts along these lines. This miscarriage was different. I had no thoughts like these when I knew it was over. I have not had any thoughts like these. I have actually tried to force myself to think like this and I cannot. I am broken and I am thankful.

• With the other miscarriages it was painful, almost physically, to see other pregnant women and women with newborns. I have not had these pains with this miscarriage. My heart doesn't feel like it is literally breaking when I see others who are expecting. I am broken and I am thankful.

• After the other miscarriages thinking about visiting my close friends who were expecting babies soon made me cry. Thinking about being in the hospital, the same hospital we would have had our babies in, seeing someone else holding a newborn and looking into its eyes and loving it more than life itself would make me feel like I could hardly breathe. Now I think about it, I have done it, in fact, and I survived. I waited for the shortness of breath and the moment when I would have to blink and blink and blink to hold back the tears and the moment never came. I have had this opportunity twice in the past two days. A teacher that I used to teach with just had her second child. Congrats, Kari and Nevin! I went to see them yesterday and I admit I thought it would be a tough visit. It was not. She nonchalantly handed me Korah (a name I had considered when we were pregnant with the babies) shortly after we arrived and did not motion to take her back. I held her and looked at her. I had prepared to feel just awful, so hurt and I did not have those feelings. Today I had another opportunity. This time I thought for SURE I was going to lose it. At baby buddies today there was a new lady with her 3 week old baby. She is married to a man from Guatemala. When I saw her daughter she looked just like Katrina did as a newborn. She has olive skin and dark hair and eyes. Even my friends who knew Katrina as a newborn said this little doll looked like her. I finally worked up the nerve to ask her mom if I could hold her. I debated if I should because I thought I would start to cry and although everyone there would know why, I didn't want to cry. Finally close to the end of our time together I said, "Do you mind if I hold her?" She graciously volunteered the baby. I took her and held her closely. She felt so good in my arms and again I waited for the moment when I could hardly breathe, the moment when I would have to ask the hostess if I could step into her bedroom to pull myself together. The moment never came. I am broken and I am thankful.

I must tell you all that I am very hopeful that the Lord will bless our family with more children. But I can also say that my heart doesn't stop when I breathe those words to Him. My lip does not quiver when I say those words aloud to my closest friends. I am broken and it feels really good.

Spring is a Sensory Season

Katrina LOVES the outdoors. She always has. Now that spring is here (that is determined many time by how much snow is still left in the yard) she wants to be outside ALL the time. I say it is a sensory season because although Katrina tends to be a picky eater, yesterday while we were outside she ate sytrofoam, snow and grass! Aghh! Thankfully we found her just after putting each one in her mouth!

Today I finally had the camera along and snapped some pics.

Thanks to our gracious neighbors we have access to some fun play equipment. Thanks Anna!

In our own yard Katrina had fun with her car. I don't know if you are going to fit in that tight spot. I hope this is not how she will park when she is 16!

She actually squeezed into that tight spot. Good job!

Looks Can be Deceiving

Katrina has some digestive issues. Since she was an infant she has had to take medicine to help her go to the bathroom. She is more regular when she eats lots of fruit and vegetables. We got some strawberries the other day at the grocery store that looked really good. They were nice and red and ripe.

Well, when she took a bite we realized they were probably not quite ripe enough! It was really great of Pancho to capture the moment. Can't you just imagine how the strawberry must have tasted?

I took the rest of the bowl and finished them for her since she would not touch another one! They weren't too bad, but she was hoping for something a bit sweeter.