Broken

I really truly believe that this past year has left me broken.

It sounds like a terrible place to be and yet I feel better than I have in such a long time.

Let me share some of my recent thoughts...

As you probably know, we lost three babies in the early stages of pregnancy, one in May, one in September and one is February. Although we are convinced the Lord did as He saw fit, it has been a painful year for us. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord. " Job 1:21-22 We have been challenged to make this our "mantra."

I think we have succeeded. Here is why...

• With the first two miscarriages I said immediately upon knowing we lost the baby, "I hope I am pregnant by (due date)" or "I hope so-and-so doesn't have another baby before me" and thoughts along these lines. This miscarriage was different. I had no thoughts like these when I knew it was over. I have not had any thoughts like these. I have actually tried to force myself to think like this and I cannot. I am broken and I am thankful.

• With the other miscarriages it was painful, almost physically, to see other pregnant women and women with newborns. I have not had these pains with this miscarriage. My heart doesn't feel like it is literally breaking when I see others who are expecting. I am broken and I am thankful.

• After the other miscarriages thinking about visiting my close friends who were expecting babies soon made me cry. Thinking about being in the hospital, the same hospital we would have had our babies in, seeing someone else holding a newborn and looking into its eyes and loving it more than life itself would make me feel like I could hardly breathe. Now I think about it, I have done it, in fact, and I survived. I waited for the shortness of breath and the moment when I would have to blink and blink and blink to hold back the tears and the moment never came. I have had this opportunity twice in the past two days. A teacher that I used to teach with just had her second child. Congrats, Kari and Nevin! I went to see them yesterday and I admit I thought it would be a tough visit. It was not. She nonchalantly handed me Korah (a name I had considered when we were pregnant with the babies) shortly after we arrived and did not motion to take her back. I held her and looked at her. I had prepared to feel just awful, so hurt and I did not have those feelings. Today I had another opportunity. This time I thought for SURE I was going to lose it. At baby buddies today there was a new lady with her 3 week old baby. She is married to a man from Guatemala. When I saw her daughter she looked just like Katrina did as a newborn. She has olive skin and dark hair and eyes. Even my friends who knew Katrina as a newborn said this little doll looked like her. I finally worked up the nerve to ask her mom if I could hold her. I debated if I should because I thought I would start to cry and although everyone there would know why, I didn't want to cry. Finally close to the end of our time together I said, "Do you mind if I hold her?" She graciously volunteered the baby. I took her and held her closely. She felt so good in my arms and again I waited for the moment when I could hardly breathe, the moment when I would have to ask the hostess if I could step into her bedroom to pull myself together. The moment never came. I am broken and I am thankful.

I must tell you all that I am very hopeful that the Lord will bless our family with more children. But I can also say that my heart doesn't stop when I breathe those words to Him. My lip does not quiver when I say those words aloud to my closest friends. I am broken and it feels really good.