Psalm 27:13,14

"I would have despaired unless I had believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord Be strong, let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord."

These verses have helped me through the tougher days this past year. It seems like most recently the days have become tough again. One year ago today I was working in the kitchen preparing a special meal for my family to share with them the good news about the arrival of our second child. I was making every effort to create moments that we would never forget. Unfortunately I was extremely successful. I remember EVERY detail. I think that is why the days are tough because all of those memories have come flooding back.

I have been strongly encouraged by these verses to LET my heart take courage. This is a hard task for me but the Lord prompts me to do it and I want to be faithful to His direction.

As I look back over this past year it is incredible to see the ways the Lord has worked in and through our lives. There are things I have learned and things I have become that I never envisioned for myself and yet I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are for my good and God's glory. I went to the dentist today and it seems like when I go to the dentist that is some of the only total-thinking time I have in my busy days with Katrina. I began to think about my life and where I am in it...

Saturday we went to Target to get some prescriptions filled. I saw a family with three kids who all had to be under the age of four. Both the mom and the dad had carts with one or two kids in them as well as the items they were purchasing. As I looked at them I thought, "Wow. That must be tough." I continued pushing Katrina in our cart and said to Pancho, "You know, I wanted to have a family like that. I wanted to have children that close together." He nodded. "I am thankful the Lord saw fit to do what He has done in our lives." Pancho agreed and we went on with our day.

As I thought back on that conversation today while lying back comfortably (not THAT comfortably with my mouth as wide open as I can get it!) in the dentist chair I thought about possibilities of what our family will look like in years to come. Will we have more children? What if we only have one? Am I ok with that? It is never what I imagined for myself. I began to tear up and tried without success to stop thinking along those lines. I didn't want the hygienist to think she was hurting me with all her scraping and scratching.

The only thing I could do was call out to the Lord. I said, "You know, God, I have not asked you for another child in a long time. I have been afraid to ask for it. You know we really want more children and I know you want us to ask you for the desires of our heart but I am afraid of asking for fear you will say no again. But, Lord, if it be your will, we do want more children in our family. Would you consider blessing our family with another child? "

These were words that I have not breathed for a few months now. I haven't really thought consciously about it, but I have not asked the Lord for more children because I ... I really don't know why. We want more children but I have been working on arriving at a place where I am surrendering my will and seeking to modify my will to coincide with His will for us. I guess today in the dentist chair I came to a place of consciously acknowledging that I do want more children and that is part of the surrendering and seeking process. It is a good place to be. I am content here.