In the blink of an eye

 

In the blink of an eye Samuel has outgrown the outfit he wore home from the hospital. The knee patches are on his thighs! He has filled out the tummy area also. My little baby boy is growing up.

I have been quite sad the last few days... It appears as if Samuel is deciding to wean himself from nursing.

I know, I know, it is super early and it doesn't seem possible but I think it is really happening. It started about three weeks ago. Samuel started having a hard time sleeping at night and he began to not want to nurse. At the beginning I was able to give him one ounce in a bottle and then switch him over and he nursed on both sides just fine. After three days I put the two together and decided to give the doctor a call. I took him in for an appointment and it turned out he had nasal pharyngitis (basically a cold with lots of nasal mucus). So, the doctor said that he was probably experiencing some pain in his inner ear and that was causing him to not sleep or nurse well. He put him on amoxicillin and told me to wait at least 48 hours to see a difference. After 48 hours Samuel was beginning to sleep better and nurse better so I figured we were on the way out of the illness.

But, then that night he had a hard time again with both and after a few more days I called the doctor and he said that some children have an immunity to amoxicillin and he put him on augmentin. Again we were told to wait 48 hours to see a difference. We waited and saw a difference during the night first and then he went back to nursing 100%. I was thrilled. I thought we were on our way out again.

But, Friday night, after two whole days of perfect nursing, Samuel started giving me trouble again. When I say giving me trouble what I am referring to is arching when I try to get him to latch on, screaming, crying and kicking. I went back to trying with the bottle first and that worked some times, but eventually it wasn't working more often than it was. If he would get latched on I would do EVERYTHING possible to maintain the "latch." Katrina got shushed, I wouldn't move a muscle, I wouldn't cut him off, I wouldn't switch sides, I just kept nursing and nursing and nursing, letting him stay latched on as long as he would.

Well, today it is Monday and we have had two days of almost no nursing at all. I keep trying every feeding and I offer many times throughout the feeding. It is EXTREMELY frustrating and emotionally exhausting. Every time I am hopeful that he will latch on and almost every time my hopes are dashed as he arches and pushes me away.

I called the doctor and he is recommending that I keep trying as long as I can and then if it looks like he is not going to go back to nursing that I make a decision and quit. I can keep pumping and give him that milk or I can slowly stop and give him formula. I am not sure what I will do. I do want to try to pump for as long as I can, but that is hard for many reasons. It is hard to find time to pump and feed. It is also emotionally painful to pump as it is a constant reminder that I am no longer nursing.

I am doing my best to be thankful for a healthy baby boy who is such a joy in our lives. But, right now I am simply grieving the loss of anticipated time cuddling with my baby while he nursed. Bottle feeding feels so much more "sterile" and I am trying to get over that. I think I might snuggle him in really close when I bottle feed him so it feels like nursing. I know it wont be the same, but it will be better than what I have been doing and that is laying him on the boppy and feeding him that way. It is not as intimate that way, you know?

I appreciate your prayers and if you have suggestions, I will take those too. I might not do them, but I am open to hearing your opinions. I guess I feel like in the end, he is our baby and we know what is best for him.

It all comes down to this: He is getting too big too fast and I am not ready.