In sickness and in health

My aunt emailed me a few days back with some very encouraging words. She reminded me that I am standing with Pancho "in sickness and in health." Those words struck me. Then, early this evening I received an email from a dear college friend who said she was so proud of me for my "devotion to my husband and his needs right now." She said she was proud of me for putting his needs first. Her words also struck me.

My whole life I have dreamed of being a wife and a mama. When I was just a little girl I remember playing house and my husband would be at work and I would be home with the children, fulfilling my responsibility as their mama. I played that pretend game until I was in junior high school (and I am not even kidding!).

Then, I became a wife and I enjoyed it. I love cooking and cleaning and laundry and all that is involved with being a wife. In my mind those were/are the characteristics of a good wife.

After nearly five years of marriage God blessed us with Katrina and I absolutely fell in love with the role of mama. It was like I was born and bred to be a mama. It came so naturally to me and those characteristics that I thought made me a good wife were perfect for motherhood as well. I needed to cook and clean and do laundry, and now with a daughter, I had to do those things even more. And, on top of those things that I already enjoyed, I was able to demonstrate a mama's love to our daughter and that was/is such a fulfilling experience.

Three years after Katrina God gave us Samuel and again my mothering surged. I have loved being a mother more than anything else I have ever done and I feel like I am really good at it.

Well, right now I am sitting in a hospital room with my husband and our children are 50 miles away. For the second night in a row. And we have not seen them since Monday. And I am feeling heart-broken. I miss them more than words can express and my heart physically aches because I long to hold them and hug them and snuggle them tonight.

And as I experience all of those emotions, I am reminded of the emails from both my aunt and my dear college friend...

"in sickness and in health"

"devotion to your husband and his needs right now and putting his needs first"

Just this morning I wrote a post about God doing as He sees fit to do and that through trials and these hard circumstances we learn more and understand more of His character. I wrote that we have learned that we will not necessarily have a trial lifted when we learn what we are supposed to learn from it and yet I cannot help but think that I may have stumbled upon something I am supposed to learn from this experience (and if God chooses to change the experience drastically tomorrow we will be thrilled and yet if He doesn't we will be thrilled to have come to this realization). I wonder if maybe, just maybe, God is giving me this time to practice putting Pancho and his needs first. I wonder if this is a gift from God to show me that my husband is my number 2 priority (Jesus is my number 1) and He is giving me some time to make it a habit. You know, they say that in order for something to be a habit you need to work on it consecutively for a long time. Pancho was admitted to the hospital one week ago this evening.

I wonder...

As I quickly scarfed down my Subway pizza dinner tonight in the guest lounge on the 6th floor of St. Joseph's Hospital I thought about all of this and though my heart was heavy, missing my Katrin-ita and my Samuel-ito, I was able to give thanks to the Lord for such a time as this, that He is providing for me to practice making Pancho my number 2 and Him my number 1.